Let Go, Let God

A year or so ago, during a time that I was really struggling with my kids and mothering/parenting techniques, I heard the Lord clearly say to me, “You cannot control your children, the only thing you can do is love them.” And at that moment it was clear to me that I needed to really look at my kids, ask the Lord what they needed, and learn from Jesus how I was going to let Him love them through me. I was so convicted that I remember saying to Andy, “What have we been doing to our children??!! We need to start all over again!” Obviously that wasn’t going to work, but my heart finally saw that the only way to be a Light in my kids’ lives was to see that I had no control. Yes, I can control their physical bodies and prevent them from doing things momentarily. I can scream at my children to scare them into listening to me. I can form expectations that I wouldn’t even be able to achieve. I can ultimately mold them into “perfect children” who are quiet, well behaved in front of company, say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and do what they are told because of their fear of Mt. Mama.
And no, I am not saying that being quiet, saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, or being well behaved in front of company is a bad thing. I think it is wonderful! But it is the heart behind it all. Just like God, I want my kids to obey because they love me. Plain and simple. And when He said the only thing I can do is to LOVE THEM, it scared me half to death. It still scares me. That means I have to actually listen to the Holy Spirit prompting me, teaching me, and reminding me. Listening, just like patience is an action, that takes effort, creativity, and time. That means, when my 2 year old is screaming and whining at me at the top of her lungs, I have to ask HIM what to do about it. That means when my son lies to me about stealing candy I have to wait for a minute before I react. And honestly, I mess up a lot. I have formed habits that I have to let the Lord help me break. And I have to let God’s grace and mercy cover me as I parent, or I can so easily be slimed in shame and guilt.
I don’t like having to ask what to do. But, when I listen, He reminds me that He knows them and loves them more than I could ever imagine to.
As we have started our journey on the road, this has been challenging area. There was one day, when Andy and Tim were out on an all day grease hunt, when all hell broke loose with the kids and I. Avery was a mess, Ally was a mess, Eva was screaming, it was hot, we were all tired, and I was feeling out of control. At the end of the day I just cried. After only a week and a half I wanted to go back home to the comforts of my secure little house and neighborhood, with a fence, a backyard for the kids to play in, and structure.
And, now that I have calmed down, we are back in our rv again, and asked the Lord for His perspective, I hear His voice saying to me again, “The only thing you can do is love them.”
Who calls himself Love? God. Who has given me Love even when I don’t deserve it? God.
Am I Love? No. It has nothing to do with me. I can only be Love if I let Him, who is Love, into my heart. Then, and only then, can my kids be loved. Truly loved.
He, who lives in me, can only be let out if I let go. And if I can see that I control nothing in this world, except for my choices, I give the Lord more access to my children through me. Let go, let God.
So, when the Lord reminds you of us out here on the road, please pray for us. We desperately want this time to be a good time for all of us. I hope the kids can look back on this time as a time they felt fully loved and enjoyed.