Its no big deal

Some of you know us well enough to know that the topic of "Kenobie and dog-owning" has forever been one of those bumps, in our marriage. I cannot tell you how many arguments/heated discussions we've had over our beloved dog, Kenobie. He is as big as life, he eats my underwear, treads mud over my clean floors, and for the last 6 years it has been a love/hate relationship between him and I.
Well, I'm not surprised that yesterday, Andy and I had yet, another big ol' fight over the dog. (Big sigh) But it turned out good. There were tears, loud talking, and lots of emotions. Plus, the kids were witnessing the whole thing and Avery was crying because we were talking about what we were going to do with Kenobie.
But during all of this I actually talked myself through some of my own garbage. Honestly, I was a blubbering mess and Andy was tired of hearing all of my emo complaining and ranting. But fortunately I have a husband who loves me enough to at least sit there and listen as best he can. And, PRAISE THE LORD, I figured out why I was angry about Kenobie! Yes, it has taken me 6 years, but wow, it is refreshing! I realized I was actually mad at myself for not ever taking the time to process what it meant to have a dog, that I never spoke to Andy about what my expectations might be, or better yet, that I didn't have enough courage to speak my mind 6 years ago. I have been mad at myself that I once again just allowed someone to speak for me and make the decision for me. Please don't get me wrong, Andy, even though he was set on getting a dog, would have listened to me. But because I didn't understand what I really wanted anyways and it would have been too hard to put my emotions to words, I just said "ok, lets get a dog!"
After I was able to hash through all of my "expectations" I thought I had and actually got to a point where I was being honest with myself, I wasn't angry anymore. God finally was able to shine the light on exactly where all my frustration and anger came from.
God took this moment to show me, once again, where He has taken me, what He is still teaching me, and who He wants me to be. See, my past is full of moments where I said, "It's no big deal." Not because that is what I really thought but because it was way too much effort to try and figure out what I knew to be true. Pleasing people became way easier for me than knowing myself. And because of that, I did a LOT of things I didn't want to do and I became the easy-going tough girl. Nothing bothered me on the outside, I was pretty good at acting. Speaking of acting, that was my favorite thing in high school. I was a Thespian, involved in all of the plays, took drama and even took acting lessons outside of school in Portland. After highschool I was going to be an actress! :) I really liked how I could be someone else in front of hundreds of people and please them. I could be bold, loud, and confident in front on stage, hiding behind my character.
Good thing God calls our bluffs. He's been calling my bluff for the last 9 years, asking me, "Is that really what you think?" He has helped me get through much of the garbage I was covering myself with. I can now get up in front of people, like Sunday, and share my true heart, my story, and my true feelings. I can confidently say that I am ready to be who God made me to be and follow Him with a pure heart. When I said, 'yes', to the idea of our family traveling across the country in an RV I was surprised to know that I was really saying 'yes'. My heart was ready to do what I've always wanted to do. Be bold, be confident, and follow Jesus with all of my heart.
It is so good to see my heart and mind through God's eyes. He IS the true Counselor. And he can choose whatever He likes to show us where our heart is stuck. He used a donkey, he has used my dog, His ways are definitely not like ours.
Thank you Lord, for putting your Spirit in my heart and teaching me how to listen to your still small voice.